The Walls..

The walls are closing in..
and I promise I am not exaggerating but I am too big for this room ..

I am tired of being a fool.. somebody’s regret..someone else’s charity..
And the walls are closer than they ever were..

I am scared.. the roughness of the bricks scratching my skin..
And I wonder how can I cry and be so happy within..

How can it be so easy for you..
to say you wish the part of me in your life was erased forever
can you not see ..the walls are closing in.. ?

I am not a lover.. a dreamer in past
I do not know why I hurt ..And I am tired of being forgiven…
Can you not see.. the walls are closing in..?

Why am I supposed to justify the hurt..
Why am I a sour loser..
I have tears and they wont rest till they burst..
And you say there are no walls around me..

I am no chaste priest..and I am no whore..
I am just me..searching an identity..
So why do I see a ruined paradise..
The you say the walls were built by me..

Of whoever I had..and whoever I’ve trusted..
Is in number here..right beside me..
But where is the love… I would so boast about..
And you say there are no walls that you can see..

Hey.. wait.. listen to the silence..
The silence that surrounds my being..
The lining of sands..on the seas unseen..
Can you see the walls ..right where ..they’ve always been…

Of self-doubt was my poison ..
I’d happily inject..
And self-loathe was my den to subsist in..
And now that you’ve made up this plastic cocoon..
Can you please..somehow see the walls killing me..

the setting sun..

It is a long walk ahead..
The mirrors dusty..and I cannot see..
For it is a long walk ahead..
And I already wish to give up..

I had many eyes when I had first painted the horizon..
I lost a few.. some I had shut tight ..

My hands are a little weak now..
Whatever I once held.. on the floor..
Broken.. I am not sure..
Beyond reach.. maybe..

So I hold on to everything I can feel around me..
And hence I fall flat on the face..
I re-visit the old yellow pages..
Nobody picks up the call..nobody is listening..

Probably the last call was wasted on a useless smile..
Probably the last few tears shed on a vain laugh..

Of what had always been there..
What was always supposed to stay..
Is no longer in sight..
Somehow slipped off..all this while held tight..
it isn’t a material missing off the shelf..
not a person less in the book..
it is just the self we're supposed to love the most…
it is just the setting sun..

wishlist #1 .. :)

I WISH TO….!!

1. Tell the complete truth to my loved ones.. hate lying about some specific stuff x-(

2. Complete my secret wish… :D … *THE UNMENTIONABLE INDEED*

3. Steal something from a mall kee shop.. even if a chotu sa eraser..BUT I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN .. [-(

4. Own a pretty white gown.. the worlds most beautiful wedding gown.. and loads of vintage gowns..

5. ABUSE the hellish people (read fake relatives) I hate so much x-(

6. Meet a few friends .. specific few friends.. and sort the mess x-/

7. Loose the specific few fears.. *_*

8. Stop caring about random shit.. and poopsters.. :-&

9. Go on a long random drive with a friend.. sleep in the car at nights.. go to random roadside ruins and click pics.. eat from the roadside farm shacks.. spend maybe weeks like this ( a lot like love..elongated..and sans the sex -_- )

10. Go on a nation wide tour alone..(maybe a friend..if they plead well enough :-/) ..and travel light..

Umm… that’ll be all for now.. :D .. more coming soon :D .. ummmmmmmm… what do you wish for ……………….. :-) ……………. !!

Understand..

It rains slowly in my mind,
Drizzling softly on the window pane.
The world is a lot slower as I blink,
Nothing inside me feels the same.

There are thoughts and dreams and wishes in my mind,
Treasured preciously in the memory lane.
The world is so much better as I think,
Pain and sorrow are never the same.

The images all pretty in my mind,
The sounds of ocean in each grain.
The world of magic connects missing every link,
A lonely heart does not stay the same.

And as I step on the sands of time..
My footprints are erased as they form..
The real of the unreal haunts me now..
The stranger winds carry me away from home..

The voices in my head they shout and scream..
The voices without now speak..
The silence in my heart is unheard somehow..
The silence desperately now shrieks..

And I talk in black..
And I write in red…
Of death and decay and loss..
For all I want is a place somehow..
And a heart which sees the unseen…

And yes I will rip and slay your flesh..
Those who say you’re near..
Cause I am torn inside ..
Lost in a storm ..
Each stinging tear to tear.

And so I am quiet..
Hush.. now dead..
And you won’t ever know what I didn’t speak..
The silence of the veiled heart..
The silence lost somewhere amidst the shriek..

There is a world inside my mind..
Where I am numb..and I am dead..
The world haunts me sometimes..
And you don’t have to understand..

MORE POOP..!! :D

okay.. so a perrfuucct survey for the jobless clan :D .. put your playlist on shuffle..and hit next for the answers :D

1. How am I feeling today?
Shuffle says: Dilli hardcore (no one killed jessica) *lol.. now this was a good start*

2. Where will I get married?
Shuffle says: Tanha dil ..tanha safar (best of shaan) *lmao.. you cannot make this stuff up*

3. What is my best friend's theme song?
Shuffle says: Born this way (lady gaga) *lol.. okay.. urrmm…*

4. What was high school like?
Shuffle says: Patjhad (faridkot) *gosh..freaking me out now.. :p*

5. What is the best thing about me?
Shuffle says: who says (selena gomez) *eerr..who says disney dolls cannot come up with a good song) :-/

6. How is today going to be?
Shuffle says: better than revenge (taylor swift) *lmao.. this was good..lol lol lol*
7. What is in store for this weekend?
Shuffle says: after the war (indian ocean) *hehehe.. yeah okay.. :p*



8. How is my life going?
Shuffle says: wake me up when september ends (greenday) *aaah.. would happily have my life this melodious* :)

9. What song will they play at my funeral?
Shuffle says: leaving on a jet plane (john denver) *would actually want this.. freaky good* :) ^super smile^

10. How does the world see me?
Shuffle says: back to december (taylor swift) *errmm..okay world..but umm…yeah okay..i am a happier person -_-*

11. What do my friends really think of me?
Shuffle says: bandeh (indian ocean) *urrmmmm :-/*

12. Do people secretly lust after me?
Shuffle says: mit jaye gum … (dum maro dum) ..*I know it makes no sense.. but lmao.. me in the item number :D*

13. How can I make myself happy?
Shuffle says: goodbye again (john denver) *one of the songs I want on my funeral.. :) *

14. What should I do with my life?
Shuffle says: jugni (devd) * -_-*

15. Will I ever have children?
Shuffle says: why they call it falling (leann wommack) *LMAO.. okay bad imagery struck me..real bad*

16. What is some good advice?
Shuffle says: kuch is tarah (atif aslam) *real good advice indeed :)*

17. What do I think my current theme song is?
Shuffle says: leaving on a jet plane (john denver) *gladly so :) *
18. What does everyone else think about my current life?
Shuffle says: baadshaah in jail (indian ocean) *oh well.. lol..what do I say.. :p thank you everyone :”>*

19. What type of women/men do you like?
Shuffle says: sunshine on my shoulder (john denver) *oh yes indeed.. :) *
20. Will you get married?
Shuffle says: looking for space (john denver) *not good news future husband..not good news*

21. What should I do with my love life?
Shuffle says: take me home,country roads (john denver) *oh future husband.. not good news again*

22. Where will you live?
Shuffle says: thayn thayn (dum maro dum) *well that explains a lot -_-..*

23. What will your dying words be?
Shuffle says: my sweet lady (john denver) *HOLY SHITE.. freaky..in a gay-lesbian way..but aah the song :) *

24. When I'm having sex, I say...
Shuffle says: on the wings of a dream (john denver) *no comments :-/ ..none at all*
25. When I meet a guy/girl for the first time I say...
Shuffle says: cry cry (jhootha hee sahi) *L.M.A.O. epicc…!! Sado-masochism here :p *

random poop time..!

just saw this awwweesoommeee movie ... 'beauty and the briefcase' .. and urrmmm... yeah it is an hillary duff flick and yapp yapp..but the idea of mr.perfect being an actual 0 on 10..is actually nice.. :p .. and infact anything else in life being exactly opposite of how we always wanted it..
anyway holidays ROCK..!
i get to friggin' laze around poora din..
I get to sleep whenver i want to..and wake through the nights..
i get to watch as many movies as i wish to..
i get to go out almost each day with friends if i wanna..
though my friends are all gone.. but still.. all in all..the pro's rape the cons list..

what more..yeah..leaving delhi unv. .. won't really miss the college except for four people..prachi..niti..ipsita and naina... everybody else.. well didn't really notice anybody else in my 12% attendance days :">
which reminds me.. amity wants 100% attendance with 25% medical allowed in case you take a leave.. so 75% ATTENDANCE.. -_- *yeah like that's going to happen* ..
i hate going to a new place..HATE IT..! the fear of not making friends is already killing me.. and the high-school goggles are setting in for miranda house.. :( ..

anyway.. to the dissers who have their own theories about me changing colleges..and to the dawgs who think i am playing with my future.. 'umm... not needed.. opinions..not needed'..

blaah.. enough of jabbering..what more.. hell yeaah.. DONT YOU THING DREW BARRYMORE AND PREITY ZINTA ARE FRIGGIN' TWINS :O ..!!


AREN'T THEY FRIGGIN' TWINS :O...!!!


(ISN'T IT CUTE IN A VERY RETARDED WAY how i post absolute nothing in here :p and still hope somebody is reading it :p )

random shit...

so often..i've heard people go..'oh then i stopped caring' ... that it honestly has started scaring me now..and though it does not really matter of what the others think about me..or if they'll care long enough...the scariest part of the 'and i stopped caring saga..' is how many people did i stop caring for.. ? and worse.. what about the sheets of life i just cannot seem to tear off into oblivion.. is it weird for me to go back to a certain 2008 every once in a while..am i a stalker cause i somehow follow every bloody soul i met that fucking year..and with so many fucking emotions mixed in my mind like some weird cocktail i shoot up hitting right in my soul..i want them happy..i want them successful..but i cannot bloody cope up with the fact that the asses have rubbed off what is still a major part of my life.. i have seen people go..oh they left iita pehley ..the anger was okay then..but now...' FUCK..!! what has changed now.. ?? for my world still revolves around them stepping in.. and when they did..i remembering signing no contract that would ensure just 3 years of me stalking em...oh well i do remember a 'even death won't do us apart' ..so hell try killing me..i have certain notion of friendship...and i continue believing in the same..i friggin' want you here...why..?? cause u promised so..!! and hell you have every right to bloody ignore my ass off.. but then again..let us see who wins..
hell..i feel angry..and angry is good.. for i havn't been angry for so long now.. like some weird spirit has stayed on..and *ahem*..all i have had today was in the likes of thumbs up and coke..oh wait pepsi as well..anyway..who needs booze to fucking rant..but then excuse the grammar..cause hell i am pretty zonked up and sleepy.. -_-
anyway..HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE...*arrrrrrrrrgh*... it kills me when i see an aunty giving me a bad look in metro..bloody kills me when i feel a stranger thinks low of me..HOW CAN YOU GUYS NOT CARE..!! not complaining .. ! no sire.. you are the masters anyway.. but hmm..do not give me the shit..you hold the true silent pain of unspoken scourge..UP YOURS..!! you rationale asses..i've seen each one of you at your worst..heard you cry..and then heard you zombies abuse..and then heard people pass judgement.. and EACH BLOODY thing made me angry.. the anger stays on..i do not really remember the events..trust me..it is all so misted along with whatever emotions i would once feel..but your names.. dude..they bring up a storm..i am tired..TIRED of trying to hold upright in the stoic most posture and say i do not care what a certain someone miles away thinks of me.. but anyway..news..I DO CARE..!! and sheesh....may god bless you enough for you to care..not about me..not bout the past..it is gone..long gone..and your perfect asses will spoil my territory.. but may the lord bless you ..may you care about the present.. may god bless my soul for me to never go looking back at you guys..may i never hope you're fine.. but anyway.. stay happy..stay blessed.. rationale..arrghh..your world..your choice..may my guardian always bless me with a thousand more emotional storms.. for that is who i am.. and may i stay this way..forever and always..